Secondhand Heart Read online

  formatted by E.M. Tippetts Book Designs

  Other Books by Kristen Strassel

  Night Songs Collection

  Seasons in the Sun (Night Songs Collection #0.5)

  Because the Night (Night Songs Collection #1)

  Night Moves (Night Songs Collection #2)

  We Own the Night (Night Songs Collection #3)

  Silent Night (Night Songs Collection #4)

  Bree was my best friend, but she couldn’t keep a secret for shit. That’s how I knew that my sister Evelyn’s surprise plans for my twenty-first birthday couldn’t have been that exciting. Bree hadn’t slipped at all. And she loved gossip. Any time I had news I didn’t want to share with the world, I simply didn’t tell her.

  “What did you do last night?” Ev laughed at me when I rolled down the stairs at the crack of noon. Her skin was glowing, probably from sunrise yoga or something. I still had sleep crumbs in my eyes. “Did you have a date?”

  “Shh.” Perfect example. I let Bree sign me up for an online dating site a few weeks ago, and of course, she told Ev. I got way more hits than I expected, and certainly more than I wanted. Turns out older dudes are really into chubby chicks. Some of them I talked to, because I didn’t want to look like an asshole, but I always blew them off before we could actually go out. “I didn’t go anywhere. I watched baseball with Dad and drank a six pack of blueberry beer.”

  I didn’t have to tell her that I spent the night missing Jordan, my husband. She knew. He’d been killed in the line of duty a year ago in Afghanistan. That roadside bomb took everything from me. His dog tags clanked against the counter as I made my coffee. I never took them off.

  “Oooh. Bunker Hill?” Ev asked and I nodded. “I love that stuff. But it’s got a higher alcohol content than the swill Dad likes to drink, so it will kick your ass if you’re not careful. No wonder you look like hell. I figured you’d be out partying it up.”

  “Thanks a lot.” I ran my finger under my eyes, not remembering if I washed off my makeup last night. I’m sure I’d cried it all off, anyway. I needed grease to kill this hangover. I pulled out the frying pan and cracked some eggs.

  “We have a birthday cake shake, Daisy,” my mom almost sang as she danced around me making my eggs and toast. Now that Mom worked for Lifedrinks, a weight loss shake that among other things, promised world peace, she judged everything I put in my mouth. “All you need is skim milk, chocolate pudding mix—“

  I couldn’t take this shit before my coffee. “Why would I want that when I can have real birthday cake for my birthday?” Wait a minute. “In what universe is pudding better for you than eggs?”

  I didn’t have to turn away from the frying pan to know that my mother was sputtering. Ev giggled. I’d asked her something that wasn’t covered in the sales brochure. “It’s about feeling satisfied. And in control.”

  “Ma, stop it. It’s Daisy’s birthday weekend.” Ev shook her head. Mom’s sales pitches had been making us bristle for years. She’d run the gamut of home party products, including sex toys, which I’d discovered, much to my horror, when I moved back home. I hoped she didn’t hear Ev ask me about having a date. I didn’t need her butting her nose into that. Or making suggestions.

  Shake in hand, Mom left the house in her nuclear green spandex pants without saying another word.

  “What’s with the glasses?” I motioned towards Ev’s face.

  “Oh! Aren’t they great?” Ev pushed the glasses up on her nose. “One of my clients made them. She uses recycled water bottles for the frames.” Ev was a publicist for independent artists. Unfortunately, most of them didn’t make much money, so Ev often swapped her time for product.

  I brought my breakfast over to the table, and Ev joined me. “They’re fabulous.” I lied, not asking her if there was a prescription. I knew she could see just fine. They were way too big for her face, and after this weekend, I’d probably never see her wear them again. “Stop changing the subject and tell me what we’re doing.”

  “You asked about my glasses!” She whacked me. “So mom and I went to the farmer’s market this morning on the way home from the commuter rail, and---“

  “If this has to do with organic radishes, I may never talk to you again.”

  “Let me finish! I made an awesome salad with all organic veggies while I was waiting for you to get your ass out of bed,” she giggled when I rolled my eyes. “You better eat some of it. And Dad wants to barbeque tonight.”

  “You’re just going to eat salad? Sucks to be you.”

  Evelyn only loved animals, she didn’t eat them or wear them. I loved them too, and I admired her conviction. But damn, I loved hamburgers, especially from the grill. With pepper jack cheese. And tomato. “We picked up some veggie burgers.”

  “This is all good, but Dad barbeques like three times a week. What are we doing tonight?” The suspense was killing me. What could it be? I hung on to hope that it would make me feel better. Everyone tried so hard, and I couldn’t tell them their efforts just made me miss Jordan more.

  “We’ll barbeque first. Bree’s going to come over with the kids so mom can watch them.” Ev continued. That was the other reason I knew Ev’s plans couldn’t have been so great. Any time Bree got out of the house without a diaper bag on her shoulder was monumental. She would’ve spoiled the surprise on account of that alone. “Do you remember Cam Hunter?”

  “How could I not? Is he going to jump out of my birthday cake?” Before Ev became Evelyn, the hipster determined to save the world one recyclable at a time, she was Evey, an aspiring country singer. And she was damn good. When she was a senior in high school, she tried out for The Spotlight, a talent competition. She made it all the way to the television part, but nerves got the best of her when the show went live and she flubbed the lyrics in one of the early rounds. I still think she would have won if that didn’t happen. Cam Hunter was also on The Spotlight that season, but his nerves were just fine. He won the whole thing.

  “Kind of. Did you hear about the bar he’s opening?” Ev bounced up and down in her seat with excitement. Obviously she still had a giant crush on him. I’d tease her about it later, but right now, I wanted to know what his bar had to do with my birthday.

  “Oh yeah, I think I did.” Cam was from around here, too. Bridgewater, about a half an hour away. It had been really unusual that The Spotlight had two country singers from Massachusetts that season. Because he was local, and Ev had it bad for him, I’d sort of paid attention to his career, but he’d fallen off my radar lately, along with pretty much everything else.

  “Guess who’s handling the press for the bar? We’re going to the grand opening!” Ev’s face fell when I didn’t share her excitement. I wasn’t into country music and I really wanted my surprise not to be one of her work things. “It’s invitation only, red carpet and everything.”

  That did sound cool. Maybe a little too cool for me. “What the hell am I going to wear?”

  “It’s not formal like the Oscars or anything, just wear something cute that you’d wear out.”

  Ev was either in denial or oblivious about how much weight I’d gained since Jordan died. Or how much I hadn’t been out since then. “I don’t have any cute clothes.”

  “Jeans and a top. You have jeans and a top,” Ev insisted. “Do you want go shopping?”

  I wasn’t that concerned about it. “Hell no. This is a beach day. And all the kids have already worn out their parents. We’ll have the place to ourselves.” I prayed Ev had brought her suit. She’d know I’d want some sun time.

  “It’s like you planned it this way.” Ev pulled over the strap of her tank top, revealing her bikini underneath. I didn’t correct her. Sleeping until noon and nursing a hangover was a perfectly sound l
ife plan. Plus it gave her a chance to do all those adult things I wanted nothing to do with before I woke up, and then spend the afternoon at the beach with me.

  “I can’t believe I got burned!” Ev kept poking at her skin, leaving white finger marks on her arm. The carpet wasn’t going to be the only thing that was red tonight. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

  “I didn’t know. I had my eyes closed.” I felt bad, I knew the opening party was a big deal for her.

  “Sleeping.”

  “No.” Maybe a little. “Not really. But there was no way that organic sunscreen even had a chance.” She freaked me out not too long ago about deodorant, how bad it was to have all that stuff so close to your lymph nodes, so I’d tried the natural brand. I smelled like a dirty hockey player for a week, then I gave up and went back to my regular stuff. Life is short, and chemicals serve a purpose.

  “I didn’t want to put all that crap on my skin.” She rubbed aloe into her arms, then leaned in close to the mirror, poking at her chest and frowning.

  “No one will even know,” I insisted. “It’s going to be dark in there, and you look adorable. You’ll probably start a trend.”

  My mom looked sorry she said she’d babysit as soon as Bree showed up.

  “Guys, guys, watch what you’re doing!” I chased after Landon and Lucas as they ran around the backyard, so dangerously close to the grill I thought my dad might have a heart attack. Sandy, our golden retriever, chased all of us, barking like a lunatic.

  “I’m so excited about tonight!” Bree considered herself off duty with my mom there, and had already cracked open a beer. Meanwhile, I’d broken out in a sweat and thanked God and science for my killer deodorant. “Do you think there will be a lot of celebrities there?”

  “Maybe.” I hadn’t thought of that. I’d never met anyone famous, unless you counted some local politicians that had come to Jordan’s funeral. “It’s Plymouth, so we kind of need to manage our expectations. But Cam will be there.”

  Bree fanned herself, and then got tackled by Landon. “He’s so hot. He just got divorced, you know.”

  Ah. Ev’s plan just got that much more transparent. “I didn’t. Did you hear that, Ev? Your boy’s back on the market.”

  Ev pursed her lips together, and looked really uncomfortable. Not just because of the sunburn. “I’m sure Roger wouldn’t appreciate that.”

  Roger was Ev’s boyfriend, one of her artist clients, and if you asked me, kind of a douche. His medium was concrete. Concrete wasn’t art. Concrete was sidewalks. How could anyone be passionate about concrete, unless they were on payroll for the Department of Public Works? The longer they were together, the more she became like him, making me hate him that much more. He’d turn them both to stone. I wondered if Ev talked about Cam in front of him. She never giggled like some love sick teenager over Roger.

  “You look awesome, Daisy.” It was well documented how I felt about Roger, and Bree was smart enough to change the subject.

  “Thanks.” I actually felt pretty good tonight. I wore a black peasant shirt with teal trimmed cut outs, and a jean skirt. Somehow, my hair was actually doing that beachy wave thing after spending the afternoon playing in the surf. I’d actually made it to adulthood with my blonde hair, and the bleached out streaks were a bonus of my frequent trips to the beach. I’d been working on my tan all summer, and my blue eyes jumped out of my face when I put on a little mascara.

  “See what happens when you put in a little effort?” My mother had to ruin it, didn’t she?

  “Really, Ma?” Ev came out to the yard with her awesome salad. “Landon, do you like cucumbers?”

  “Nooooo!” Vegetables are proven to be the fastest way to make a four-year-old disappear. My dad brought the burgers to the table, with Ev’s veggie burgers on their own plate. The juices couldn’t mingle. My mom tried to hide her sulk behind her giant shake container and eyed me when I reached for a second burger.

  I knew moving back home was going to be hard. But I needed my parents after Jordan died, and I didn’t have anywhere else to go. The military came and packed up all evidence that Jordan had actually existed and brought it to my parents’ house, where it was now stacked neatly in the basement along with my mom’s forgotten former favorite products. Sure, my mom drove me nuts, but I kept reminding myself this was only temporary.

  Some nights, when I lay awake in my childhood bed, jolted from sleep by a dream that Jordan was still alive, I could believe that’s what he always was, a dream. Someone I could only ever visit in my sleep, someone who’d always be the same, waiting for me. But every time I went to the store, the post office, out to walk the dog, everyone from my past, now my present, was there to smack me in the face with reality. They wanted to tell me how sorry they were, and to thank me for Jordan’s service. Thank me? I didn’t do anything. I just lived in military housing and helped organize a roller derby team for the base wives. He made the sacrifice.

  I didn’t want everyone to treat me differently because of his death. I desperately wanted my life to get back to normal. I kept saying that, but I didn’t know what normal was anymore. I didn’t know how to move forward without holding on to Jordan. And no one could figure out how to do it but me.

  The Lonely Heart Saloon might be the most exciting thing that ever happened in Plymouth. The claim to the first Thanksgiving got a little rusty after four hundred years. We got to the bar early, but it was already packed. Right on the waterfront, and calling the former Road Kill Kafe home, barrel spotlights crisscrossed in the sky marking its arrival. Throngs of onlookers packed themselves behind police tape, hoping to get a glimpse of Cam or any of the other celebrities rumored to show up. Ev had spent most of the day at the beach on social media getting the word out about the opening and whipping speculation to a frenzy.

  “This is crazy.” I whispered to Bree, grabbing her hand as we made our way onto the red carpet. Ev had to give our names to get us in, and when the security guard who we went to school with found us on the list, acting like he’d never even seen us before, he simply nodded and lifted the rope. I didn’t even get my ID checked. I was so bummed.

  “This is awesome,” Bree squealed as we squeezed past the crowd at the door. I’d never been to a nightclub before, and I was pretty sure she hadn’t, either. We could only base our expectations on what we saw on TV. “We can come here anytime we want. Hot cowboys. Everywhere.”

  I could barely hear her as she rambled, a live band played and the crowd fought to be heard over them. All I heard her say was hot over and over. I grabbed on to her hand for dear life as she pulled me towards the bar. We’d already lost Ev. Even with the sunburn, tonight she looked like Taylor Swift’s stunt double and was in full battle mode. I’d never seen her at work before, and I was surprised by how she just snapped in to action, all business. It was awesome.

  The bar was surrounded by an unruly swarm of bodies, mostly half naked girls and guys in cowboy hats, jockeying for position. I felt out of place, and my thighs were already rubbing together. I should have known better than to wear a skirt.

  “What do you want?” Bree asked.

  “Whatever you’re having.” I felt like the walls were closing in. I gasped for air and shoved money into her palm. “I’m going to go find a place to sit.”

  “Are you alright?” I heard her say, but I’d already broken away, pushing through the crowd, looking for any empty seat. I had to go to a corner stool, and I wasn’t sure if it was really free, but it was empty, so I took it. Ever since Jordan died, I hated crowds. I don’t know what the connection was between the two, but I couldn’t shake it. The first time I’d gone out by myself after the military officials had come to my house and gave me the news, I went to Walmart. Dumb, I know that now. I had a breakdown in the bread aisle, bad enough that the store employees called 911. Talk about making an irrational fear come true.

  “Thanks, I just needed some air,” I tried to assure Bree I was normal as she handled me a bottle of beer. Apricot
wheat. “Good choice. Have you tried this?”

  “Yeah, a couple of times. It’s light and fruity, so I knew you’d like it. Cheers.” Bree tapped my bottle, and I tried to cover up that I’d already taken a sip. “I am loving this place. Have you looked at the men walking around here? You’d hardly know it was Plymouth!”

  I’d been afraid to look, but then I realized this party was invitation only. All the people around town that I’d been hiding out from, the ones who stared and whispered when they saw me, wouldn’t be able to get in. Bree was right. “Wow. I wonder where they shipped these guys in from.”

  Her face brightened when I actually seemed interested. “They could be local. This could be the best thing that ever happened to us.” Her eyes widened as she realized I might not agree, but I didn’t say anything. I just took another delicious sip of beer.

  “I think Ev had them all bused in, and when the night is over, they’ll all go back to the island that they hide on. People don’t really look like this.” I made accidental eye contact with one of the hot cowboys and looked away quickly. “Did you hear her say where she went?”

  “No. Is there a backstage or something?” Bree looked like a little kid of Christmas morning. She wasn’t looking at me at all when she talked. She was high off of testosterone and cologne.

  “I guess?” I’d been as far as she had in here. “It’s really a restaurant though, right?”

  “There’s a band! There’s got to be a backstage area,” she insisted, and pointed into the crowd. “There’s Ev!”

  We waved and caught her eye, and she came over to us, hands on hips. “I bring you guys out to this hot party and you’re sitting in the corner?”

  “It was the only seat I could find,” I protested.

  Ev pulled me up. She didn’t get it when I freaked out about stupid stuff. She liked to put me right in the middle of the action when I wanted to run. Ev was over coddling me. I loved her and hated her for it at the same time. “You should be mingling and meeting new people. And having fun.”