Secondhand Heart Read online

  All or nothing. I couldn’t make myself see the middle ground that everyone insisted existed. The one where I did little things to move on.

  And Cam was really a perfect example. Ev and Bree were convinced he was into me. And after last night, I’d have to agree with the girls. I think anyway, because he was still married. He was only the second person I’d ever been more than a friend with. But no matter how my emotions arm wrestled with each other in my brain, I couldn’t wait to see Cam again tonight.

  Bree couldn’t get a babysitter. Obviously, I was spoken for, my mother was still shell shocked from watching the boys the night of my birthday, and Bree’s mom was not even an option. You’ve seen those hoarder people on TV? Bree’s mom could totally be on one of those shows. She let too much stuff ruin her life. The boys couldn’t even go to her house because it wasn’t safe for them to be there. And it made her so fucking miserable, she didn’t even want to leave the house. It was heartbreaking and frightening. Bree freaked out over any little bit of clutter, I think she worried that hoarding was a recessed gene.

  I blamed home shopping channels for her mom’s demise. The house was never that bad when we were kids.

  So I sat at a table by myself at The Lonely Heart Saloon, watching Cam set up the stage for his Open Mic Night and sound check the equipment. Every once in a while, he’d squeeze my shoulder or wink at me. I wasn’t the only one in the room staring at him, as he shook hands with the performers, or took care of problems behind the bar. An overflowing table of middle-aged women stared at me, making my table feel huge and empty and me feel like a creature from outer space.

  Happy thoughts, Daisy. Think of Cam’s lips against your neck. Forget all about everything else.

  I nursed my beer, even though I wanted to slug it back and get a cold one. My eyes burned and my body was sore but in that good way, like I had a secret the whole world wished they knew. I had wanted to take a nap when I got home from school, but my mom intercepted me. I don’t know if Dad told her about our meeting this morning, but she wanted me to help her fill orders and deliver them. Three hours in a hot car, listening to my mother talk about the future…

  “So do you like this guy?” she asked me between stops.

  “I do.” I wondered what Dad told her.

  “Sounds like things are getting a little serious. You need to be careful.”

  “He’s a friend, Mom.” I almost cracked up saying it. A friend who let me rock his world in the back of a pickup truck. “Not everything needs to have some sort of ulterior motive.”

  “You have to have a plan, Daisy,” she insisted. “Or else you can’t succeed.”

  What the hell?

  The table overflowing with middle-aged hens continued to leer at me. Their eyes had followed Cam all over the bar, and once they realized he was making frequent stops at my table, the pointing and talking began.

  Think about Cam’s thighs, Daisy. Make it all go away.

  “Do you work here?” One of them startled my attention away from the stage, where a young girl with a thin voice struggled through a Carrie Underwood song. Poor thing looked like she was going to pass out or pee any second.

  “No.” I didn’t try to hide my confusion. “Why?”

  “Well, I’ve seen Cam stop over here a few times, and I was wondering maybe if you could introduce my friend to him. She’s, uh, recently single and I think he’ll find her pretty cute.” She motioned back to the table, and a woman old enough to have given birth to me waved at us.

  Gross. “He’s taken.”

  “Everything I’ve seen online says he’s not,” she challenged me, like I couldn’t possibly know what I was talking about if I wasn’t on payroll.

  Oh yeah? “I’m here with him.” I didn’t give her mouth the chance to fully drop before I turned back to the stage.

  At least I gave them something to really talk about.

  Cam came out on stage to the hoots and hollers of the crowd, of course, the loudest from the table of old broads. He motioned with his hands for everyone to shut the fuck up. “Thanks for coming out tonight.” His eyes scanned the crowd, but then locked on mine. I sat up straighter, the memory of how he looked at me last night when there was no audience burned me everywhere his mark lingered on my body. “Tell your friends, let’s support local music and make this a thing.”

  Another roar of the crowd before the lights darkened just enough for Cam to jog off the stage, and a scruffy duo with blazers and harmonicas took his place. He pulled out the chair next to mine and put his head down on the table. I could hear the gasp rise out of the audience, even over the acoustic guitars from the stage.

  I raked my fingers through his hair, then pulled his head up playfully.

  “I’m dying,” Cam said when he looked up at me.

  “Yeah, me too.” The waitress delivered a fresh beer. By the time I got to the bottom of it, I was going to feel like I was having an out of body experience. “But I love every minute of it.”

  Crooked smile. Dead. “Me too.” His hand landed on my thigh, caressing my skin and working his way upward. Wait until he realized I was wearing a skirt. “I had a great time last night, Daisy.”

  My skin was on fire, all I could manager was to look at him with a dopey smile on my face. If I even tried to say anything, I’d giggle like an idiot. So I fixed his hair from where I messed it up before.

  “I was wondering,” he looked down, tracing the outline of his drink coaster, shy. It was adorable. “If you actually wanted to see the bedroom tonight.”

  “Tonight?” So this was an actual thing? He didn’t think last night was some mistake? Oh. My. God. Talk about jumping off of a cliff into shark infested waters.

  He looked up at me, eyes sparkling. “Why not?”

  He posed an excellent question. Although I could think of a million reasons why not, right now it was all just blah, blah, blah in my brain. Fear and excitement numbed my body. I felt like I was floating in the middle of the bar room.

  “Okay,” I said, and he visibly relaxed. Holy shit, was he nervous about asking me to stay? This was not the position I ever expected to be in. “But I can’t stay all night.”

  His jaw dropped. “Why?”

  “Because I ran smack into my dad this morning. Horrifying.”

  He closed his eyes and groaned. “Yeah, that’s so bad. You’re going to have to move out.”

  What was he saying? Don’t read too much into this, Daisy. He wasn’t saying anything. He was just pointing out what I already knew, what my mother was so delicately hinting at earlier today. Time to move on. “Tell me about it.”

  Anyway, I was just the rebound chick. I knew that.

  We didn’t even make it out of his truck this time. I don’t know what it said about his neighborhood that no one called the police. We thrashed around on that tiny backseat, holding nothing back, even as cars came in and out of the lot. Hands sliding down steamed up glass, Titantic style. Loud, aggressive, and just the thing I needed to remind me I was alive.

  “That one looks adorable on you.” Ev clapped her hands together in the back of the clothes store. If ever a place was made for my sister, this was it. Rebound, if you can believe I was actually in a place called Rebound, was Upcycling Couture. When we were kids taking our first peek at fashion magazines, Bree had mispronounced “couture” as “cooter,” sending all three of us into a fit of giggles at the mere sight of the word ever since.

  “I look like a dog in a costume.” I tugged at the dress as it suffocated me, like I could somehow make it expand. With my luck, I was just going to rip the bitch and have to buy it no matter what. “And you know I hate sleeveless.”

  “Then find a dress with sleeves and quit your bitching, woman.” Ev threw up her hands and walked away from me. Bree shrugged, looking adorable in her burgundy dress that made her look like she belonged on a pin up calendar.

  “You’ve got to find something, Dee,” she whispered. “Or else this is never going to end.”

>   I shut the curtain with more power than was needed and put my clothes back on. Cam had kept me up every night this week, and missing out on my beauty sleep was making me a bear. All the extra beer I’d been drinking lately wasn’t helping this mission, either.

  “I found something I think you’ll like.” Ev pulled a dress out from the rack. I resisted the urge to hate it until I actually saw it.

  I peeked out from behind the curtain. She was right. It was adorable. A short sleeved, light blue baby doll dress with tiny white polka dots.

  “Is it my size?” I cringed, waiting for her to say of course, and have it be a medium.

  “It’s an extra-large?”

  I grabbed the dress from her. “I think we have a winner.” I held it against my body in the mirror, to see Bree behind me, still in burgundy. “But I won’t match Bree.”

  “I’ll find another dress.” Bree made a bee-line back to the dressing room we shared. I know her words weren’t meant to sting, but they did. There were a thousand dresses that looked good on her and finding one for me was a needle in a haystack.

  She joined me in the dressing room, I shimmied out of my clothes and pulled the dress down over my head. It was adorable. Ev came in with a pink sundress that would look good on Bree. “I love that!” she exclaimed.

  “Me too.” I really did.

  We came, we saw, we made these bridesmaids dresses our bitch. I was way happier about this than I expected.

  “You looked so hot in that dress,” Ev had probably already said it fifty times as we sat down for lunch. “Cam’s going to be dying to get you out of it.”

  “Again?” Bree giggled and I kicked her. I hadn’t told Ev yet.

  “Whaaaat?” A new pair giant sunglasses were probably the only thing keeping her eyes in their sockets. She reined her voice in so it was a stage whisper. “You slept with him?”

  “Every night this week,” Bree dished, ignoring me now also pinching her under the table. “And it sounds pretty hot, right Daisy?”

  “I thought maybe you guys could hang out. I didn’t think you’d try to break him like a wild stallion on your first date.” Ev still couldn’t pick up her chin off the table. The waitress interrupted us, and I stuck to iced tea. All this talk of Cam did make me want to look hot in that dress.

  “It just happened. And it was our second date.” I was actually a little surprised by her response. Ev had moved way faster with worse guys. “That’s what people do on dates, isn’t it?” By the time Jordan and I could actually go on proper dates, the deal had long since been sealed. And nothing we did was ever formal enough that it could be considered a date. He was just an extension of me. We were inseparable, so we did fun things. No pressure, no expectations, no explaining myself.

  “I’m surprised, that’s all.” Ev took of her sunglasses so she could read the menu better. “I didn’t think you’d want to get that serious that fast.”

  “I guess I just move fast.” I laughed at my own joke, since no one was more surprised than me. “Somebody’s got to be that girl, right?”

  Ev glared at me. Well, I thought I was funny. She was the one planning the shotgun wedding, which made her judgment even more amusing.

  “Tell her the best part.” Bree leaned forward, wriggling her eyebrows. Was she fucking serious right now?

  I knew damn well what she meant, and I was ignoring it. “Which one, the top of the stairs or the back of the truck?” I gave her a look that meant shut the fuck up.

  She ignored it. “The wife part.”

  “I know.” Ev stirred her straw vigorously around her water glass. “That’s why I was freaking out, honestly. I didn’t know if you knew.”

  “Why in God’s name would you set me up with a married man?” I fought to keep my voice down. “What the actual fuck, Ev?”

  Her head dropped down on her hands, and she looked down at the table. “Because you’re my sister, and Cam’s a great guy, and I hate to see you both hurting. I mean, this is good, but—“

  “But what?” I interrupted. “If you know something that I don’t, spill it. I’m on a need to know basis.”

  “No, I don’t. I would hope that this would’ve been what happened, but I thought you’d take it way slower, that’s all.” Ev smiled at me, but she looked sad. “His wife is disgusting. A rich, spoiled brat. If he’s really in to you, and it sounds like he is, it will be just what he needs to get over her.”

  If.

  “But what if it’s not?” I asked, not wanting to hear the answer.

  “Daisy, sometimes you just have to listen to your heart, even if it’s telling you gibberish. Don’t worry about Ashley. She broke up with him, and I’m sure she’s moved on already.”

  I just had to hope that Cam had, too.

  How did waitresses always know to come at the most awkward moments? She cracked the thick silence that had fallen over the table, so I had to give her that. Bree and I both ordered fish tacos.

  “Is there any way you can have them make me a grilled cheese?” Ev asked hopefully. When the waitress looked puzzled, she added, “I’m pregnant.”

  Babies made people so much more accommodating. The WTF look turned to a smile as the girl nodded and headed to the kitchen.

  “How’s the baby doing?” Bree asked. With everything else going on, it was easy to forget Ev was pregnant. Long before the announcement, Ev had either been wearing dresses or loose fitting tops belted over leggings, like she did today. I couldn’t see any sign of baby.

  “Alright,” Ev winced in a way that made me not so confident in her answer. “I’ve been super queasy this week. It’ll pass. As long as I don’t look at the ocean moving, I’m fine.”

  Easier said than done, since we were sitting on a dockside deck at the restaurant. She’d angled her chair towards the building as a precaution.

  “When do we find out what it is?” I drummed on the table, whining with impatience. “Are you going to let me pick the name?”

  “You know it’s a girl,” Bree insisted. “What would Ev do with a boy?”

  “I can pick grandma names, like Mom did for us.” I waggled my eyebrows. Ev and I were both named after our great-grandmothers. I hated it when we were kids, but now I got the appeal of it. “Or grandpa names.”

  “I find out in a couple weeks.” Ev sat back, rubbing her belly probably without even realizing it. “And remember when you named the goldfish? Cheeto? You’ve already proven yourself untrustworthy in this arena, Daisy.”

  For the first time today, I took a good look at Ev. She looked pale and tired, the strands of her hair that had escaped her bun looked scraggly. She played with her napkin in her lap, not looking at either of us.

  “So do you have any ideas about names?” Bree asked.

  Ev shook her head. “I have a couple in the running. I hope it’s okay with you Daisy, but I was thinking Jordan Edward if it’s a boy.”

  Both Bree and I gasped. “Really?”

  “I want to name him after the strongest and kindest men I’ve known.” Edward was our dad. Ev rested her hand on her stomach, just like she did any time the baby was mentioned.

  “I think it’s beautiful.” I reached out for her other hand. “Thank you.”

  “But girls’ names? I don’t know. I’m not even going to think about it until we know what we’re having.”

  Bullshit. This was the girl who’d always spent hours looking at baby clothes in stores. She was worried about the baby.

  Bree’s mother was waiting for us in the window when we came back. I don’t know how Bree had bribed her into babysitting today, but she seemed really anxious to get back to her mess.

  “For the love of God,” Bree scoffed. “Are my kids that bad? The place probably looks like a bomb hit it, since I’m sure she’s got them all hopped up on donut holes.”

  Donut holes were off limits for the boys? Whoops. I made a mental note.

  “I feel like an asshole,” I confessed to Ev as we drove away.

  “Don’t.
” Ev shook her head slightly while waiting for traffic to break so she could turn. “Cam’s into you. The married thing is just unfortunate timing. It’s over. Once she signs the paperwork, he’s all yours.”

  “That’s not what I’m talking about.” Although, it did reaffirm my asshole status. “I mean you. Is everything okay? I’m worried. You’ve had baby names picked out since you were seven. Especially girls’ names.”

  “Oh, that.” That? She wasn’t putting my mind at ease. “The nurse practitioner says some people just have worse morning sickness in the first trimester. Lucky me, right? But this is what happened last time, so I guess I am a little worried. How can I not be?”

  “I know,” I said quietly. “I wish you said something. I feel like I’ve been off in Daisy Land and I was such a bitch about the dress. But I’m just not a dress girl. What can I do?”

  “I’ve already asked you for what I want you to do,” Ev said. “Remember?”

  “I am an asshole.” I sighed. “I’m sorry. I promise I’ll do better.”

  “Thank you.” Ev sounded like that was just what she needed to hear. “There’s just so much going on, and I’m trying not to freak out, because of the baby, but then I want to freak out more.”

  “What about Roger?” I asked, not sure I really wanted the answer. “You haven’t mentioned him at all since you told us about the wedding.”

  “Roger got hired as an adjunct professor at the school of design, so he’s been busy working on his curriculum. He starts school right after the wedding.”

  “So he’s ignoring his future wife and unborn baby,” I finished the story, plotting his death more with every word. Although, it was about time he got a real job. My parents had enough people mooching off of them.

  “Pretty much. But once he starts working, we won’t have to worry about money. This wedding is costing a fortune, even trying to keep it small.” We headed into the house. Dad was home alone. “He keeps it like a meat locker in here.”

  “I love it.” Wearing sweatpants in a cold house in the summer was such a first world guilty pleasure. “You don’t have to marry him, you know. Bree is raising two wonderful little bastards. No one cares about that stuff anymore. The president was raised by a single mother. The sky’s the limit.”