Too Many Reasons Read online

  He looked up slightly, his eyes obscured by his hair. “She does that?”

  “All the time.” I took a deep breath, it hitched in the back of my throat. “Then you come here, shitfaced, asking me why your girlfriend isn’t like me.”

  He sighed, and shook his head. “I’m so sorry.” I took the opportunity to move away from him, being in such close proximity and talking like this, so raw and fucking real, about everything that was wrong with us, was too dangerous. “I didn’t realize how that sounded, and I had no idea she was doing that. Why didn’t you say anything? If I’ve been making you miserable?”

  Now it was my turn to look away. I chuckled sadly. “Because I don’t know how to live my life without you. When it’s just us, everything is perfect. I know exactly what you mean, that you don’t want anything to change. Me neither. Someday, I knew we were going to have this conversation and it was going to change everything.” I started trembling. “I’m scared, Devon. I’m fucking scared.”

  He crawled over and put his arms around me, rocking me back and forth, not saying anything. His cheek was against my hair. At that moment I realized, of all the ludicrous thoughts I could have, that I hadn’t brushed my hair or even washed my makeup off from last night. I couldn’t be any more of a mess if I tried.

  “You don’t always make me miserable.”

  “That’s good.” He laughed. “You never make me miserable.”

  “Even better.” My heart swelled. “Everything’s changing so fast. With the band, and I’m going to be graduating, then you’ll be going out on the road. What we have right now, and what we’ve had all along, it’s not even going to exist anymore. Because everything around us is going to be different.”

  He picked his head up from mine, but pulled me in tighter to his body. “I always just assumed you were going to come with us.”

  “How was I supposed to know that? I haven’t even been to practice since you guys signed the recording contract.”

  “Why not?”

  It was a good question. I’d been stewing in my own juices, waiting for someone to roll out a non-existent welcome mat for me. “I didn’t feel anyone wanted me there.”

  “That’s ridiculous.” Devon raised his eyebrows at me. “We all miss you.”

  “I’m coming tonight.” I didn’t tell him how excited Eli was for me to hear the new stuff. “And I keep hoping I’m going to hear from one of these labels, someday.”

  “Still no word?”

  “Just some form thank you but fuck yous.” Each new one hurt worse than the one before it. I hugged my arms across my chest. “I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

  “Then come with us.” Devon pushed my hair away from my face, leaving me no place to hide.

  “I need to do my own thing.” Who was I trying to convince of that?

  “The band is your thing, Abby. No one works harder for us to be successful than you do. We probably wouldn’t even still be together if it wasn’t for the faith you have in us, and the pure fucking enthusiasm you have every time you show up at practice, or at a show. You don’t even realize it because it comes so naturally to you.”

  “I did all of it because I wanted you to be successful, but now I need to be my own cheerleader.” And apparently, a resume with nothing but managing Sinister Riot on it was not going to snag me my dream job. Devon was getting me nowhere in every facet of my life.

  “Fuck those people who don’t want you. They don’t know what they’re missing.”

  “You don’t want me.” I looked up at him. Devon jumped back, as if I’d slapped him.

  He shook his head slowly. “That’s so not true.”

  Finally, I was able to break away from him, get up, and walk off the bed. Standing up, I realized I barely had any clothes on. I didn’t feel shy around Devon, he’d seen me like this more times than I could count. But during this conversation, my lack of outfit put me at a disadvantage. I tore my clothes out of my dresser until I found what I was looking for, just a pair of jeans and a T-shirt.

  “What are you doing?” Devon asked.

  “I need to take a shower.” Until I did, the part of last night with Devon here was never going to end. We were still at it. And nothing was fixed. I wasn’t sure if it could be.

  Now I felt funny about going to practice tonight, but I was still going, because I really did want to hear the new songs. Both Devon and Eli wanted me to continue with the band. It was something I was going to have to think long and hard about. Managing Sinister Riot seemed like the easy way out. On the other hand, the opportunity to manage a band with a major label contract had just landed in my lap. It would be a much easier decision to stay with them if just one of those internships came through. Then it would actually be a choice.

  Why did I always want what I couldn’t have?

  “What are we going to do?” Devon asked, sounding as scared as I felt.

  “I don’t know.” I forced myself to walk away.

  “I almost didn’t recognize you,” Eli greeted me, his smile a slow burn, as he got out of the car. Of course I’d expected to see him tonight, he had to be at practice. But I’d had every intention of walking in by myself.

  “I can’t dress up every day. It’s exhausting.” I waited for him in the middle of the driveway. The way he looked at me made my skin tingle.

  Sinister Riot actually practiced behind Caleb’s house, another reason it would have been a huge blow to lose him. Caleb had inherited his aunt’s house in the Garden District. It was way too big for just him and his girlfriend, even with a baby on the way. And the place was fucking creepy as hell. Everyone in this city had always marched to the beat of their own drummer, and never was it more evident than in the layout of an old house. They’d been working on making it into apartments, or a rock n’ roll bed and breakfast. They couldn’t make up their minds so the renovations were taking forever. Sprucing up all the old stuff made the stuff they hadn’t gotten to yet even creepier.

  “I bet.” Eli stopped close to me. I felt disappointing in my purple T-shirt and black jeans, and still exhausted from everything with Devon since my date. I hadn’t bothered with much makeup, I saved that for special occasions, too. “I had a great time last night.”

  “I did, too.” I took a half a step back, looking toward the garage. “How was your meeting this morning?”

  Eli’s face lit up. “Really good. Do you have time to celebrate tonight?”

  “Yeah.” I didn’t even give myself a chance to think about it.

  “Awesome.” Eli took my hand and headed toward practice. “I can’t wait to tell you all about it.”

  Everyone stopped when I walked in, Eli just a step behind me. I’d let go of his hand to open the door. I only needed to see the smile fade from Devon’s face for a second to have it tattooed in my memory. I never had to ask him what he was thinking. He looked like Eli had sucked all the oxygen meant for him out of the room.

  I knew the feeling well. The same thing happened to me every time I saw Devon with Lexi.

  We hadn’t talked since I left him sitting on my bed to take a shower. Before Devon left, he’d made my bed and picked up my clothes, putting them back in the dresser.

  “Hey, stranger.” Frankie broke the awkward silence by wrapping me in a half bear hug with one arm and kissing me on the head. “Where the hell have you been?”

  “Oh, you know.” I snuck a look over to Devon, his eyes followed me across the room. “Busy with school and stuff.”

  “Any word on jobs yet?” Caleb asked.

  “No.” I deflated a little.

  Frankie held up his hand to high five me. “Good. We need you.”

  I almost left him hanging, but then reached up to let him close his fingers over mine. “I want to talk to you guys about that.”

  “Sure,” Mo said from behind the drum kit. “What’s up?”

  “You’re not quitting are you?” Frankie raised an eyebrow. “You just said you didn’t have a job yet. We’re on to y
ou.”

  I laughed nervously. “No. But if I stay on past graduation, this has to be a job. With pay.” Perching on the edge of an amp, I swallowed hard and waited for an answer. I’d always hated talking about money, even if someone just owed me five bucks. “My student loans are going to come due pretty soon after I graduate.”

  I’d been living off of them since I started school, and those payments were going to suck. Coupled with the fact that Mallory wasted no time making me painfully aware of my rent increase the minute I had my diploma in hand, I needed a job.

  Eli nodded. “I’ll talk to Andy about it.” He pulled his guitar strap over his shoulder and his fingers automatically started working against the strings, like the guitar was just a natural extension of his body.

  Devon’s head hung down, so I couldn’t see his face. “Of course you will,” he said under his breath.

  “Yeah.” Eli turned and glared at him. “Of course I will.”

  “Guys. Enough.” My anxiety level went from three to about ninety in thirty seconds. “If you’re going to act like this, I’ll tell Mallory to give my resume to the production office of the movie she’s working on this summer.”

  “Don’t you dare.” Frankie shook his head, looking back and forth between me and Devon. “I wish you two would just start fucking and make all of our lives easier.”

  Eli’s fingers stopped. The silence stole any air of easiness this practice had a chance of having.

  Devon held on to his microphone stand, and leaned against it so he came close enough only for me to hear him. “Fucking who?”

  That wasn’t even fair. We’d resolved nothing this morning. Cleared things up, sure. But nothing had changed except full disclosure. It was shit luck that Devon thought I came here tonight with Eli, but I’d been totally up front with the fact that I planned to see him again. Had it not happened tonight, it would have happened eventually. I had nothing to be ashamed of, and his acting like a spoiled brat wasn’t helping anyone’s cause. Closing my eyes so I didn’t go totally ballistic, I took a deep breath. “Maybe I should go.” I hadn’t even taken my purse off my shoulder yet.

  “No. Abby, stay.” Frankie turned bright red and stood in between me and Devon. I looked up at him; even though I was standing up now, he towered over me. “Forget I ever said that.”

  How could I?

  Sinking back down on the amp, I let my bag fall at my feet. “I want to hear the new stuff.”

  “You haven’t heard any of it?” Mo raised his eyebrows. I shook my head. “Dev, why you holding back?”

  “I figured she’d want to hear it live.” Good cover. Not that we were only talking to fight with each other.

  “I do.” Maybe all the bad energy would leave the room once they started playing. Caleb had said the main house was haunted, but I’d never felt as uncomfortable in the practice space as I had tonight. We couldn’t blame the dead for this. Just the living. “What are you waiting for?”

  “What do you want to play first?” Devon turned to the rest of the guys. I noticed he didn’t bother looking at Eli.

  “Too Many Reasons.” Eli didn’t give a damn that Devon didn’t want his opinion, he gave it anyway. “It’s probably going to be the single.”

  “I don’t think that’s ready to be the single.” Now Devon looked over his other shoulder at Eli. It was probably a death stare, and it was mirrored on Eli’s face.

  “It’s not going to be any more ready if you don’t play it.” This was ridiculous. I shouldn’t have come here tonight. It could have waited until everyone calmed down. But the longer I stayed away, the more distance would grow between me and the band. I couldn’t win either way. “And I want to hear it.”

  “It’s not the best we’ve come up with.” Devon wouldn’t drop it. “I want you to think we’ve gone forward, not backwards.”

  I rolled my eyes and leaned back on the amp, holding in a scream. “Just play it.”

  Devon was full of shit. Too Many Reasons was the best thing I’d ever heard them play. The richness and complexity that a second guitar added to the songs was something I had no idea was missing until Eli played. I paid special attention to Caleb’s part, because I wanted to make sure he didn’t get lost in the mix during all of this. Although Eli made no bones about the fact he thought Caleb needed improvement, I still didn’t hear it. Maybe playing with Eli would be just what Caleb needed to get better. Caleb wore a metal slide over his fingers, and honestly, it made the song. Gave it that bluesy, southern twist that the record company loved.

  And the lyrics. Too many reasons I believe, too many reasons I can’t see, too many things I want to say… They echoed exactly how I was feeling and I had to wonder when Devon wrote this. I locked eyes with him as he sang, and there was a need I hadn’t seen in him in a long time. A hunger. He wanted this.

  “I love it.” They’d all looked to me for approval when the song ended. “It’s definitely the single. That’s the direction you should go in.” If all my choices could be this easy.

  “In what way?” Frankie asked. It felt so good to be back, and to have the guys listen to what I had to say. Maybe being the manager was the right thing to do. Screw Mallory and everyone who said differently.

  “The grittiness of it, and the bluesiness. That’s what hooked Andrew. It’s what makes you guys different.”

  “I don’t think we should change things up all that much.” Devon boxed Eli out of the conversation just with the turn of his head. Did he do this all the time, or was it only for my benefit? “That’s what Andy liked.”

  I sighed. “The record company is going to want to see growth. That, what you just played, is growth. Not everything can stay the same, Devon. It starts to stink after a while.”

  “So I’ve heard.” He turned away from me. If he didn’t stop acting like an asshole, nothing was going to get done. Too much was on the line for too many people now.

  “I’m going to let you guys get to work. I have class in the morning.” I grabbed my purse and headed to the door before anyone had a chance to argue with me. “Eli, let me know what the record company says. I need to start making some decisions.”

  You still owe me a celebration, Eli texted me a few days after that disastrous appearance at practice. My tenure as possible official band manager with pay started with a bang, ignoring the guys for three days. How professional. I liked to think of it as giving notice to the old habits that I had surrounding Sinister Riot and giving myself space to start new ones.

  Eli wasn’t the only one who’d texted me. Devon sent about a dozen messages, apologizing over and over for his dick behavior. Why did everything with him end always have to end with I’m sorry?

  I couldn’t think about it right now.

  I had something to celebrate. Two things, actually: Eli’s new endorsement from the guitar company and my official position as Sinister Riot’s manager.

  Andy had come to me from the record company with a much more attractive offer than I’d expected. Fifteen percent of any money the band made, all inclusive. He said I’d already proven myself. I don’t know if Eli had any influence over the deal, I hadn’t expected a cut of everything but I was certainly not going to say no. That entertainment lawyer was starting to be real happy he was the only one in the city smart enough to take my original phone call.

  I do, I answered, bouncing all alone in the apartment with giddiness. What did you have in mind?

  It’s cheesy.

  Already it sounded adorable. I’m intrigued.

  I want to go on one of those steamboat dinner cruises, he answered. Too tacky?

  Just the right amount of tack. I cracked myself up. I’ve never been on one.

  That wasn’t totally true. When I was a kid, my dad brought me and my sister on some swamp tour. All I remembered was alligators and mosquitos. It had pretty much sealed the deal on me not being a fan of the great outdoors.

  We’ll fix that tomorrow night. Dress up, please?

  Absolutely.
>
  Some girls would have gone to the mall, or rented the runway, or got some outfit that they couldn’t afford for this situation, but I was not that girl. I knew exactly what I wanted to wear. My tutu.

  It wasn’t as ridiculous as it sounded. It was a black tulle miniskirt that flared out. I only wore it on special occasions¸ because it was my favorite piece of clothing ever. I had an off the shoulder shirt that looked perfect with it. I curled my hair, mostly because it was the only chance against the humidity to still look cute at the end of the night. Eli liked my rock n’ roll dress up clothes? Why not give the man what he wanted.

  The wave of guilt I expected to follow my excitement didn’t come. I guess I really was ready to start anew.

  “Damn.” Eli shook his head like he needed to break from a stupor when I came downstairs.

  “You said dress up.” I took his outstretched hand, the warm from his body making my skin tingle. “Is it too much?”

  “God, no.” He brought my hand up to his lips and kissed the back of it, and I giggled like an idiot. “You’re perfect.”

  “I wouldn’t go that far.” My cheeks burned from his compliment. “You look great, too.” Eli had on dark blue jeans and a black shirt with a tonal pattern on it. The texture begged to be touched, making it dangerous. He opened the car door for me, still holding on to my hand, and didn’t let go of it until I was nestled in my seat with tulle puffing up all around me.

  “Thanks,” he said when he sat next to me, our eyes locking for so long I thought he might have forgot he was supposed to drive.

  “So do you know anything about steamboats?” I asked as we headed to the riverfront.

  Eli shook his head. “They float. Otherwise, no.”

  “Ha.” This is what kind of dork I was. I was actually excited to tell him about this. “Before the steamboats, there wasn’t any commerce this far south because there weren’t any boats powerful to move against the river’s current. So when the inventors sent workers north to spread the word, and set up commerce, they got preoccupied with the ladies instead and the plan didn’t work. So in an effort to make the boats profitable, the owners put shows on the boats to lure wealthy people in for the night. Hence the term ‘showboating.’”